Hope: A friend of his says he can have him committed for me.
Despair: Wondering if your child is alive or dead, even for a day or a minute or an hour - that’s despair. The last couple of days have been hell. He went out of town and didn’t come home when he said he would. I couldn’t reach him and I was so afraid something terrible happened to him. Manic people have an affinity for antogonizing people. He was beat up earlier in the summer and suffered a broken nose and several stitches to his lip. I feared something similar could have happened to him there, only worse.
Hope: Luckily he told me the name of the hotel where he was staying and I found him. He’s definately delusional. I’m always amazed that he can appear ‘normal’ and even charismatic to strangers and draw them into his reality for a short time at least.
Despair: Apparently all of the money in his bank account is gone - he had about $6000 in there. He has two rooms reserved -one is number 2911, which he chose deliberately. He’s spending a lot of money and plans to spend a lot more. He doesn’t know when he’s coming home - he’s just going “where the wind blows him.”
When dealing with people who are depressed or manic it’s important to work together with them on treatment options when they are stable. They can agree to have family members watch for signs of a recurrence. Then they can help choose what kind of treatment they would like to receive if it becomes necessary - and possibly even give someone else legal power to take over their finances temporarily if they fall back into a manic or depressed phase. We’ll have to do that at some point in the future when he is stable. This manic phase has lasted several months now. I can’t even imagine how much he’s charging on his credit card.
Hope: He’s alive! I was so afraid. Now I need to find out how I can get him back.
Despair: I just talked to his Dr. friend and it sounds like he may not do the commital after all. He said it would be better for him to be treated somewhere close to where his follow-up would be and I can understand that. We need to get him to come back because they won’t extradite him. Now I have to figure out a way to do that as well. The pressure is all back on my shoulders - to get him back, get him some help, decide what help he needs. This Dr. still feels he should try just the meds first because involuntary commital is such a double-edged sword. I feel like that’s already been tried and hasn’t worked. Somehow the disappointment is so much greater after having just a taste of hope for help! I understand that forced treatment isn’t ideal. I just don’t think he’ll ever ask for it himself or if he can survive much more of this.
Why do I have to be the one to decide what to do? Where is everyone else? Last time he was this bad everyone said he needed help, but no one was willing to stand up and get it for him.
Hope: I know a lot of people are praying. I’m sure that’s why I was able to find him so easily and why he’s been back in contact with me. Knowing God is in charge of this situation helps a lot.
Sept. 2 - Hope: He’s in the hospital in Chicago and will be admitted for psychiatric care to the state hospital there. What a huge relief! A year ago I could never have imagined being happy to hear that my son was in the psych. ward. I don’t have to wonder if he’s dead or alive and I know he’s getting help. I’m praying God will send his angels to be his nurses and his doctors. This way we didn’t have to force him into treatment. When he’s well enough maybe he’ll realize the behaviors that got him there - the drinking, the manic episode. I pray then he’ll be motivated to do whatever it takes to get well and stay well.
Despair: I haven’t been able to speak to a Dr. there yet. I’m sure they are understaffed and overworked. I don’t want my son just to be a number, a face and not a person. They told me he’s demanding to be released early so they think he’ll only be there a short time. Hopes dashed again - this is so hard! I know what he needs isn’t going to happen in a 3 day weekend. I just have to trust and pray and wait and make a hundred phone calls.
Sept. 6 Hope: After calling literally 15 times (perseverance is the name of the game if you want to find help for your child) I was finally able to speak to his Dr. She said she doesn’t know yet when he will be released but that they will call us and tell us so we can go and get him. Now we’ll just have to convince him to come with us and we’ll have to get a commital in place when he is here.
Despair: He told us how he was injured. He fell off of a curb and hit his head and crawled into some bushes. He was very drunk. Someone stole the shoes off of his feet. That’s not how I see my son. I wish we could see before and after pictures of someone’s heart and soul. I see him before his addictions and illness took control of his life. I look at his little boy who looks so much like him. He’s so innocent, so bright, so full of potential with his whole life ahead of him. I remember my son like that. I believe God can restore him.
Sept. 7 Wow, for some reason I was stupid enough to think my comments to the Dr. were confidential. She told my son I thought he was suicidal and he’s “furious, betrayed”. He can’t see, doesn’t care, how hurt we are, how afraid we’ve been for his life. This is the sacrifice you make - their love for their life. I get to be the one he hates.
Hope: Sept. 11 He is back home now. They released him Friday night and he spent the night sleeping on the street with newspaper for warmth. He ran out of money and he was hungry so he called and asked his dad to go and get him. That was an answer to prayer! Some how some way people need to be able to control the finances of a manic person. He would never have been able to stay there as long as he did without credit cards and money in the bank. Now he has a huge debt he’ll have to repay when he’s able to work again.
A close friend recommended a different Dr. She’s a nurse and has worked with her at the hospital. She said she just returned from training in New York and is Christian and extremely caring. She wasn’t taking new patients but my friend got us a referral and he has an appointment in 10 days.
Now we’re back to the phase of watching to see what he is capable of doing - if he can or will take any steps toward his own recovery. Because of the way funding goes for different doctors and hospitals I’m praying he can make it for 10 days. It seems like such a long time to wait! 10 days. Pray for him.
Despair: Sept. 15 I don’t know if I can survive until the 21st. He continues to drink, probably use drugs, get more credit and spend more. I’m praying for some clear direction. I’m so ready to pack a suitcase and put it on the steps and lock all of the doors. I waver between that and desparately wanting to help. How do you help someone who doesn’t want help? What happens when you care more about their recovery than they do? What do you do when it’s all entwined with the illness and the abuse? I wish I knew where I could find the answers to those questions somehow.
Hope: I just keep reading and reading and trying to find anything, any ray of light to shine on what we should do in this situation. Little bits here and there help - like reading about Dual Diagnosis and how there is such a failure in the ‘establishment’ to treat it properly. How substance abuse and ‘mental illness’ are so compartmenatlized that there aren’t many effective ways to treat them both together. It reminds me not to expect too much. He hasn’t had a chance to get much help yet.
Following links to articles is good, too. This one is called A Mother’s Rant against Bipolar and it really hits home with how I feel - you can find it at http://www.willigocrazy.org/Ch06b5.htm
Here is part of it:
God-damned Bi-Polar! You took my son from me, and you took him from himself. I want you dead! I want you gone! The only way to kill you is with meds but, you bastard, you tricked him into thinking he doesn’t need them. You take over his mind and body, and what for? To no useful end. You’ve placed him in danger, and you make him think he’s trying to be independent. He can be independent and happy and safe without you, but you stop him. I hate you! I hate you!
You S.O.B., all you do is make him have demons. You’ve caused him to have accidents and to be hospitalized. It’s your fault! You’re useless — worse than useless. You’ve taken away his creativity, his brilliant mind. I want you dead and wiped out, never to return. Leave him alone! I want my son back. I want him to have himself back. I want him to be happy and productive and enjoy life. You’ve taken that from him. You prevent him from having a pleasant, safe life. I HATE you!
Lithium and Zyprexa would kill you and make you leave my son forever, but you won’t him let kill you. You’re devious and deceitful. You’ve caused him to take dangerous street drugs in his attempt to be rid of you. But you’ve fooled him again. You know that street drugs won’t get rid of you. It’s only Lithium & Zyprexa that will get rid of you and lift your lying veil from him.
Now he’s in a hospital again. Did the police put him there? No! You put him there — again. Now he owns nothing but disorientation and delusion. You’ve taken away his reasoning ability again. You’ve taken him again.
You lie to him. You make him think he can somehow live with you and without the meds. You’re nothing but lies and deceit. You won’t let him take his meds and get rid of you. Bi-Polar, I hate you!
I hate you!
Hope: Sept. 16 One thing that helps me cope as a family member is finding someone to talk to who knows what I am going through. Since NAMI’s website has been so helpful I keep looking there and I found they have discussion groups at http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=About_Medications&template=/Security/Login.cfm
It has helped so much to ‘talk’ to other people who are dealing with this!
Hope: Sept. 21. He went to see the new Dr. today and must have given consent for us to talk with her. She called tonight and sounded so nice - still wants to adjust his meds and have us make sure he takes them, etc.
Despair: Sept. 22 He came in so drunk at 2 in the morning. I didn’t get angry at him. I just told him he could move in with the guys behind us. At least he’ll be close and hopefully we can help motivate him to continue meds, etc.. Apparently the Dr. didn’t get his consent so when I told him I spoke with her he was pretty angry. Wish I would have kept my big mouth shut and just not said anything. He did sound like he liked her, but he doesn’t know if he’ll follow her recommendations to adjust his meds. He says he’s just fine. I took a movie of him to show him sometime so he can see what he was like. Stumbling around, mumbling incoherently. It’s so sad to see.
Sept. 30 He moved into the house behind us. We still see him pretty requently because he comes home to eat and shower, etc. He’s been working about a week and I think feels better about himself since he’s being more productive. I haven’t had a chance to talk with him about how he plans to attack the mountain of debt - think I’ll let his dad do that. I think we’re sort of in a holding pattern - he’s calmed down some from the manic, continues to drink in excess. It’s less stressful with him not here, but I do wonder if we’re getting a very clear picture of how he’s doing. He does seem better sometimes.